Addressing Abuse in Relationships and Faith

In this episode, Tahtianna, LMSW addresses abuse. She explores how it shows up in relationships and even faith communities, challenging the belief that abuse is part of God's will, and speaks directly to those who feel stuck in harmful cycles.

Tune in for an honest conversation about recognizing patterns of mistreatment and finding the courage to seek change.

Transcript

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Welcome back to another episode of the Foundations We Lay. I am your host, Tatiana, and today's episode you want to really lean into. I'm going to touch on a subject that has been laid on my heart for a few weeks now. It is an issue that I have worked with and continue to work through in my field of work, in friendships, in homes, and has also been observed in some churches. And so the highlighted subject that we're going to kind of discuss through today and bring to the forefront is abuse. And abuse is not only someone inflicting physical harm upon another person, but it is the act of improper usage of treatment of a person or thing, and often to unfairly or improperly gain benefit. Abuse may show up as mistreatment in physical form, emotionally and psychologically, spiritually, sexually, verbally, and also intellectually. Sometimes abuse is downplayed not only because it has been desensitized to various forms of media and different games, but also because there are systems in place that support it. There are systems that back the behavior that backs the cycle for continuation of various forms of mistreatment and list and misalignment that is to intentionally harm others, a group of people, etc. And I do want to put out there and note that the support of these systems does not align with the original structure that has been noted in the Bible. It is not the ways of the Lord God, the God that delivered the Israelites from Egypt, the one who sacrificed his only begotten son. That is the Lord God I am referring to. So let me slow down, take a breather. Because I kind of went in. Let me chill for a second. Sometimes people say that abuse is a part of God's will. This is why I also am bringing up the Lord God that I'm talking about, bringing up his order, his standard. Because there are some that say that abuse is a part of the Lord's will for someone's life. They say that just because a person has endured that experience, has even made it out of that thing, maybe physically, that means that it was the Lord's will. But the Lord God does not inflict harm upon you. That is the very opposite of his character, that is the opposite of his nature. Here's what it could have been. If you are someone who has experienced abuse of any form and are physically living on the other side of that, the Lord God may have kept you in that situation. He may have kept your mind stable and centered enough to get you out of that place in that space. He protected you in that situation. That may be the case. But again, it was not his will for you to be harmed or to even be mistreated. This is a lie that has been that has been perpetuated and repeated for far too long. It has taught many of us to accept forms of abuse as if it is meant to help us grow, as if it is meant to help us shine brighter as people, as if it is mandated to earn a golden badge and to gain societal acceptance in some odd, weird way or fashion. Enduring different forms of abuse has been a sign to many that you're a loyal person, you can be trusted, you are showing your devotion to another person. But do not let the wickedness of people get you stuck in a loop in a cycle that was never meant for you. As leaders, we have to do better and not just change the narrative that has circulated around this issue, right? But to uproot the system and to say that it cannot happen in the spheres of influence that we have. As leaders, we get to look at what is in our control and what will we continue to allow. Now, there may some things that we have observed and may have been afraid to speak out on at some point in time, but there's a grace where we get to see and observe and do all these other things. And sometimes you may not speak up, but at some point you must say something, or that that blood will be on your hands. And it's our responsibility to show up, even if it goes against the grain, even if it makes us look a certain type of way because of the circles that we are in. Somebody has to stand up and say something contrary to what has been allowed for so many years. Experiencing abuse is not the same as enduring persecution and opposition as you stand for what is right in the Lord. And this is where some tread a fine line. Persecution for righteousness' sake typically comes because of one's commitment to Christ and obedience to the Lord God. Abuse is a misuse of power that violates God's commands to love, protect, and honor others. You are not required to remain in an abusive situation to prove faithfulness. You are not required to stay to prove your faithfulness, especially to another person, especially to one of the leaders you may look up to. Some people may suggest that you stay in a relationship where there is abuse happening. Some people may say to stay in that church and say, I would rather you stay so that you can have a covering. Some may say to stay in that organization where abuse is obviously happening, but it's unspeakable because the culture has shifted to ignore the obvious in the room. Some say it will get better. Just hang on and wait a little while longer. We just got to wait it out. And yes, there are times when we are in spaces and we have the capacity to offer change and disruption where mistreatment and forms of abuse are taking place. However, you cannot change a person that is not willing to change themselves or even to look at themselves to see the fruit of their heart, to see how their words, to see how their actions and behaviors are impacting other people. You cannot change a person whose mind and heart is fixed on currents, behaviors, and systems that are built to hurt others due to wanting to be right and to stay in their position. You cannot pray your way out of some situations and continue to ignore the signs, believing that you may just be overreacting because there is denial about what has been taking place so far. The situation really is what it looks like. I have been able to be in spaces where I have witnessed and experienced leaders demonstrating abusive tactics. And some of these may be familiar familiar to you. But here are just a few observations that I will share. And I hope that this helps someone to know that you are not crazy. So let's go ahead and start. Manipulation. Many of us know this word. There are pros and cons. Sometimes manipulation can be a beneficial thing. It can be used in many areas where growth can take place, right? It comes with a level of influence, of charm, knowing how to lead those who have an ear to hear their voice. Manipulation and abuse is a form of emotional abuse where one person uses psychological tactics to control, confuse, or dominate the person on the other end to doubt their own thoughts and feelings. This can include tactics like gaslighting, guilt tripping, and isolating the person from other people that are in their support network. Gaslighting. Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse where a person causes someone to question their sanity, their memories, or their perception of reality. And this may lead people to it who are experiencing this to feel confused, to feel anxious and unable to trust themselves. They don't even know if what they think is true anymore. Projection. Projection is a psychological defense mechanism where a person puts their own feelings, characteristics, or desires onto another person. So if someone is feeling confused, they may try to say that you're confused. If they're feeling insecure, they may say that you're insecure. Projection. Controlling your life. The goal of all manipulation is to gain some level of control. But outside of controlling how you feel and behave, and someone who is manipulating in the form of abuse can actually shape what your life and your daily activities look like. And this can look like controlling access to your money, preventing you from furthering your education, or even restricting what friends you can and cannot spend time with. Those who manipulate have a goal in controlling your lives because it makes you feel like you cannot depend on yourself, but you have to solely depend on that individual, basically meaning that you cannot do life without them. Which leads us to control. Controlling behavior in relationships are behaviors exhibited by an individual who seeks to gain and maintain control over another person, often through intimidation, manipulation, coercion. Here's the next one: treating you like a child, purposely treating the other person like or treating those on the receiving end of this thing, like they are less capable, like they are a child, or outright treating them as if they are incompetent. This is a form of gaslighting that is specifically geared towards reducing the person's trust in themselves, yet again, and their ability to handle responsibilities. And this can come in the form of talking down to a person like they are less intelligent, like they don't matter, stepping in and taking over tasks in the middle of doing it, even when the other person is capable of completing it themselves. So I see a very vicious cycle that is in fact getting worse. Now there are some things that we tolerate because we think that it's love. We pay attention to the things that they do for us because we see that they know what we like. We see that they do these special things for us. But when we are in a situation that becomes blatantly obvious or even starts to unfurl itself as something not good for us, especially for a long period of time, our eyes eventually start to become clouded and our vision may be led from the lovely possibilities that we play in our mind because we grab onto the hope of what could be and we ignore the signs. Counting on the dream, counting on a dream in our minds, allowing it to become a delusion. There's a thing that gets you caught in the loop where you find yourself repeating the same lessons, the same stops, climbing over the same hurdles and obstacles again, really trying to keep that lump down in your throat, you know, kind of ignoring it, while you're just running this same crash course over and over again. You're in a cycle. A cycle is a process or a series of events that repeats. And without interruption, the cycle will continue. Without interception and a change of direction, you will not have a new course to walk through. And now this all may seem very oversimplified, but the basis of what I'm saying is this abuse continues without the interruption and the change in direction. And one of the culprits of remaining in a place that is unfruitful and that is harmful to us is unawareness of your true identity. When you come to a place of knowing who you are, you begin to gain understanding that you are valuable and should not accept any type of treatment. I know this seems elementary, but uh some of us don't get this yet. We don't fully get it yet. When we know how valuable we are, we know that we cannot accept any form of treatment. That anyone cannot talk to us any type of way. We get to a place where we know that of course we're not perfect, but it does not change the fact that we still have worth. We know we're not perfect, but our worth remains no matter what the situation is. So if someone comes along and and tells you that the way you look does not meet their standard, it may hurt, but know that is not who you are. If someone comes along and says that you are a total disgrace, that you are an idiot, know that that may be a projection. Eh, and that is not who you are. You don't have to receive that. Sometimes people say things about you to tear down your identity, and the interesting thing is they don't always know that is what they're doing. Some people don't realize what their words are truly doing, but it doesn't change the fact that it's happening. You don't have to receive these things, they may be painful and they probably will hurt, but you don't have to accept these things in your heart, you don't have to accept them in your mind and to play to damage and hurt your identity. And even if there was some point in time where you wanted to be there and you see that things have changed, know that it's okay to want to leave and to try and find a way of escape. Sometimes another reason for staying in a in a place that is harmful or abusive, abusive, is a need or the needs that you may have. It may be tied to the individual or the institution that you may be connected to, and you feel like you need them to get what it is that you need in life, even if it's basic needs. You feel like if you disconnect, you won't be in a good place. You feel like if you disconnect, your lights will be turned off, you won't have enough money. Who's gonna help you with the kids, etc., etc., etc. I understand. So these are not just simple things to be like, oh yeah, just go ahead and leave tomorrow. Go ahead and leave today. Now we get to use wisdom in this, but do know, even as you get a plan of escape together, that doesn't mean that we ignore and sweep under the rug the things that have taken place and continue to take place. We're not can we're not saying that it's okay, we're not saying that it's right. I'm not saying it's right, I'm not saying it's okay. So we we use wisdom in this. So underneath these two uh, let's say, categories, identity and having needs, I would place fear as a factor, a common factor, as well as adapting or adopting uh skewed perspectives of how people should treat one another and specifically how people should treat you. I also uh am aware that there's some confusion about what behavior should be accepted and what demonstration is a good representation of somebody that cares about you, your overall well-being and your soul. What does this actually look like? You and I know that we have days where we don't always show up as our best. There's some times where we may feel like the day is crappy, it's terrible, it feels like it's not it's not really favorable. And there's times where we may get frustrated and maybe even raise our voice, but we get to draw the line when this becomes a habitual pattern and there is no change, no change of heart, there's no repentance. No one is excused, no one is exempt from this. We get to check ourselves. Of course, we have bad days, quote unquote. That doesn't give us the right to bulldoze and hurt people in the process because of how we feel. Abuse has been harmfully misnamed as love in some spaces. We have become accustomed to accepting ill treatment. I am aware that what may be considered abuse in one state or country may not be considered abuse elsewhere. When you notice the patterns of manipulation and control at play, one gets to ask themselves what it really is and if it is something that you want to continue to receive and accept. Mistreatment may be identified as love. Because you love the person, because you love the leader and you want to honor them, you notice more and more that their words are coming from a hurt place, which also hurts you. Hence, you want to become more empathetic, you want to show more compassion, you want to show them the love that you believe that they need. This is not an excuse for their behavior, and it is not love. Love is patient. You get treated with kindness without any conditions, it doesn't hold any records of wrong, and it doesn't try to one-up you. Abuse does not have a gender, but an agenda to destroy and uptake what it does not possess. And it does this wherever its head may lead. So fear of standing up for yourself may come due to a fear of opposition, retaliation, rumors, and thoughts of what others may think about you and the situation that you are experiencing. I'm here to tell you that none of that is okay. And we have to do a better job as people. We have to do a better job as leaders. If we look at leadership, sometimes it may seem hard to identify when abuse is taking place. It may seem subtle at a time, especially if the person or people seem kind solely by what you look at with your eyes. When someone is kind to you in one moment, but behind the scenes they are painting a different narrative, they're painting a different picture of you, instructing people not to talk to you, painting themselves as almighty, practicing false humility, and making themselves as the way of someone's escape, making themselves to be someone's grace, salvation, and a better life. You are not crazy. You're not alone. And if you are unsure if this is taking place, but you have your suspicions, take a step back, put your emotional ties to the side and be honest with yourself about what you see, about what you hear, and overall what you observe, and what has been shown to you multiple times already. So, as a recap, abuse entails the misuse of control and power. The one who is typically doing the abusing uses their power and their position to twist and manipulate things to their benefit at the expense of harming others. Abuse can also shape identity, but you can be healed and you can be restored. Today, my job is to tell you that abuse is not a gift from God. And abuse in any sector, even in the home, even in the church, is not okay and should not be acceptable. So before we go, I will say a quick prayer, and we will be intentional about how we show up if we are leaders in spaces, if we observe and see these things. Something has to change, and the change begins with us. Not waiting for someone else to do it, not just idly sitting by because no one is saying anything, because that has become the culture. What will we do in the areas where we have influence and actually have the power to have influential change? So, Lord, I thank you for those who are on the listening and receiving receiving end of this prayer and for those who resonated with what was shared in today's episode. I thank you that you are providing a way of escape for those who may be in abusive situations, abusive environments, and relationships. I thank you for breaking the shackles off of their feet and from breaking the chains off of their minds where they have been feeling hindered and frozen in a space to where they did not know what to do. I thank you for relieving them of the burden and the false responsibility that it is their need to take cup to take care of the person who is inflicting harm or abuse of any form upon them or upon others. I pray that they be released from that burden and the responsibility that they have placed upon themselves, that they get to a place of safety and that they be completely covered by you. I thank you that in the spheres of influence where you have placed your people, that there will be a coming down of institutions and systems that info that have infiltrated our society and that emphasize and continue to push the agenda of abuse of many forms. It is not okay, it is not acceptable. And I thank you that you are shedding a light on it and on not just this episode, but in other spaces as well. We will be agents of change, we will be disruptors, and we will be those that um continue to build what it is that you have called us to build, that we may see your kingdom on earth as it is in heaven, and let there be a re-establishment of your order, your love, your justice, your peace, and all things that are you in this earth, in our homes, in our schools, our jobs, and so forth. So we thank you for the healing that will also take place. We also thank you for restoration of anything that has been lost. And I thank you that the fear that has been overshadowing the person that may be listening, if they have experienced these things from speaking up, from seeking help, that that will even be washed away from them, that they will have freedom to express what have what they have been experiencing, so that they will not be in isolation and they will get the support and help that they need. Let their voice arise in this in this time and place, and let them have wisdom in this as well, in the mighty name of Jesus. Amen. Thank you for listening to this episode. I would love to hear your comments, any way that you have been impacted, and any thoughts that you may have pertaining to even future episodes that you would like to see. So until next time, love on yourself, be patient with yourself, and love on others. Until next time.