You Don't Have To Save Everyone

In this episode, Tahtianna, LMSW addresses the pattern of overextending, rescuing, and taking on responsibilities that were never yours to begin with. What looks like helping can quietly turn into burnout, misplaced identity, and avoidance of your own needs.

This conversation walks through the deeper reasons behind the need to save others. You’ll also be guided through a practical exercise to identify what you’ve been carrying.

If you’ve been the one everyone depends on but feel exhausted, overlooked, or stretched thin, this episode will help you step back into alignment—without losing your capacity to care. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Hi, welcome back to another episode of The Foundations We Lay. I'm Tatiana, and in this space, we explore patterns, choices, and relationships that shape our lives and the families we build. And so before I jump in, I do want to acknowledge that there are so many things happening right now. It feels like a lot that's happening in the world today. It's been highlighted to me in one-on-one conversations and in various forms of media that so many people are hurting right now. Some people feel distressed because of the climate that's happening in the country, uh here in the United States of America, wars and rumors of war, uh, conflicts over oil, rising prices affecting the daily and basic needs of life. This is hitting some people harder than others because the incomes are not matching the spikes that's taking place and that we see. But I do want to encourage you to be intentional about taking care of your body and taking care of your mind, getting what you need and also get into a healthy community. Well, if you're not into one yet, but where you can grow, where you can serve, have a level of safety and security, and ultimately have a group of people that you can do life together with. This can help to alleviate and relieve some of the worry that you may be experiencing and also distribute some of the weight that you may be trying to carry on your own. And this brings me to today's topic of discussion. This is one that may ruffle some feathers, but the conversation needs to be had. So listen up. If you have found yourself in spaces where you want to be the person that comes to everyone's rescue, saving them from the issues that are faced or lying in front of them, this may be for you. You may show up like this at work, trying to rescue them, maybe with family members, friends, strangers, whoever it may be. You may even be good at filling this role, being the person that someone else can count on when they're in trouble. You may even have moments when you feel like you're exhausted or you really don't want to step in, but you volunteer yourself anyway. But the thing is, you are already tired. So why take on more? Sometimes this pattern of behavior can get to a point where you know the habit of others so well that you step in trying to take on a problem before the problem even breaks out. So you see, okay, I see such and such as doing this. Typically, when they do this type of behavior, this is the outcome. So you may slide yourself in the situation before that outcome can even take place. You may even find yourself getting frustrated when a particular person doesn't fix something the way you want them to, according to your standard, or if they don't do it like you. I can already hear some people saying, you know, talking about sacrificial giving and saying it's okay for somebody to step in and do it because somebody has to do it anyway, right? So it might as well be me. Some may even say I've been giving and helping people all my life and it's working for me. But here's the thing giving is amazing. Being generous is amazing, and I encourage giving and being generous. But when giving comes in the form of trying to do so many things for everyone, um, it's a problem. When giving shows up as giving your last and you have not paid your bills yet, that's a problem. When giving looks like coming to the rescue of someone every time they are in trouble, even if you know it may be better for them to learn the quote unquote hard way. You get to ask yourself, what am I really doing this for? And is it doing more harm than good? There is a level to this where we get to live and give beyond ourselves and our immediate lives, but there lies this sort of harmony of doing this. We were not created to save everyone, and that is why some individuals and people feel burnt out and tapped out to this day. They're tired, they feel fatigued, they felt like that they've had enough trying to carry everyone else. I used to be in this space, and it was not a cakewalk, and it wasn't fun, and I don't recommend it. But when I operated from this space, I gave from a few places that I can recall. One was people pleasing, the other was seeing people's potential, and the other point was feeling like I was supposed to help. So I want to briefly break this down. Okay, so let's start with the people pleasing. I was a yes man. And for those, for those who know me, know exactly what I'm talking about and can easily identify with what I'm saying because you've seen it. I will say yes to assignments that were not mine, yes to opportunities that I probably didn't even want to do, yes to things that could have been for another time potentially, but just not then. Yes to dating and being in relationships with people that I had no depth with or should have never connected with in the first place. I was saying yes when a lot of my responses probably should have been a no or never. When it came to meeting someone with potential, I'm going on to the second point now. I made the move of building based on what I saw they could be.

SPEAKER_00 6:09

Uh-oh. That's a little dangerous sometimes. I was trying to build based on what I saw that they could be.

SPEAKER_01 6:18

Instead of the reality of who they were that was right in front of me. I would do things like encourage them and make sure they felt good enough and confident, confident enough to do what they said they wanted to do. And if they had an idea and didn't know how to do it, I would look it up and share it with them, call for resources if that's what the situation called for. And I would even physically drive them to different locations so I could make sure they had everything they needed to do what they said they wanted to do. I would give most of the time whatever someone asked for, especially like I said, if it went towards a vision, a dream, an idea, or something. However, I noticed that so much time would go by and I noticed that I was the main one that was put in and work for the dream they had. And do you know what I learned? I learned eventually that someone will play you as long as you allow them to, and that sometimes people only want to be validated where they are and may not be ready for change at that moment or even at all. I also learned that you cannot want something for someone greater than what they want for themselves, and even at the level they are willing to put in the actionable steps towards that thing as well. Some of these things it took me a long time to know and learn, but I'm glad that I finally learned it. So, all in all, I realize that just because you see potential in someone doesn't even mean that you are supposed to be the person to pull it up out of them or even help them to get there. When you want to support someone, sometimes it may look like connecting them to someone else who is more appropriate for the for the role, even if it isn't you. Or even if it means like planting a word of encouragement into them and keeping it moving. You don't have to plant your stay there. It's okay to give a word, something encouraging, whatever it may call for, and keep it moving. You don't have to re-um unpack your bags there and stay. Also, just because you see something potential in someone else, it doesn't mean that they are a project that you are supposed to take on. Give them the opportunity to decide what they would like to do with the information, if you even shared it with them, regarding their potential. And do not push where your help was not even asked for and where it is not or may not be perceived. And who knows? That person that you want to jump all in for may not even want to go that route. So this will be a great point to pause, slow down, and just reevaluate what it is that you are trying to do and if this is even what the other person is desiring. Uh, to the last point, I used to overextend myself with helping others because of course I wanted to, but I also felt guilty if I didn't help. Now, this wasn't for all cases, but it happened a lot. I learned for this particular thing to have boundaries for myself when giving, to give from the heart and not from a place of guilt. I also realized that just because I have something doesn't mean that I have to give it. And some things were just for me, and that's totally okay. There's something I picked up along the way, and it was called false humility. I put myself in a place where I thought I was practicing humility, especially uh trying to give all the time, whenever the opportunity arose, and I realized years later, that wasn't humility at all. But that's another topic for another day. But before I move on, I do suggest that you be aware that if you do give to someone, that they may not pay you back if you're giving it to them financially. Um, if you're giving your time, and you may want them to give you the same amount of time back. But even if they say they may pay you back, just know that sometimes that person may not always be able to or just choose not to follow up on their word. So give what you can. Give what you feel led to give. And please, please, please, do not give your bill money. Take care of your priorities and your expenses, all your monthly and daily needs first. If you have not even budgeted a giving thing, take care of that first. So you're not putting you and your family or your family at risk of not having a home, food, gas in the car, etc. So, in short, people pleasing, trying to build off of potential and giving from guilt were reasons why I tried to help others beyond my extent. But here are some other common reasons why you or someone else that you know maybe wanting to save others beyond your capacity. So I have, let's say, more of a format of a list here I'm going to be reading from. And it's pretty lengthy, so I'll try to make this short. So the first is your identity may be tied to being needed. This means that you feel valuable when other people rely on you, and helping becomes how you define your worth. And this can be a learned method that started from early on your early childhood or earlier times in life where you may have had to take care of others emotionally or practically, and the role that was once learned in your earlier years of childhood eventually carried on into adulthood. Another reason is avoidance of your own issues. Focusing on others can distract you from addressing your own needs, decisions, or even unresolved experiences. Another common reason is fear of rejection or abandonment. You may believe if you stop helping, you'll lose connections or be seen as less important. This almost sounds like performance-based. Sometimes the overextension of giving can be control, disguised as care. Another one is having difficulty with boundaries. Um, even someone believing that love equals sacrifice, believing that you have to show your love and caring with overextending yourself. And you often give to a point where if you really look at it with a long-term lens, you'll find that it's not even sustainable. A few more common reasons for um wanting to be the rescuer, the person who saves everyone, or overextending themselves can be the need for approval or validation, having fear of conflict, because rescuing can be a way to prevent discomfort, disagreement, or tension in relationships, misunderstanding support versus rescue. You may be someone that believes helping is stepping in and fixing rather than allowing others to take responsibility. And the last one that I'll mention is that you get reinforcements from others. As mentioned before, people may look at you and rely on you as that go-to person, someone they can go to repeatedly because they depend on you. And this strengthens the pattern and makes it harder for you to step back because they're counting on you to show up as you always do. Trying to rescue people rather than support them on a healthy basis can hinder their growth, stifling their character development, stifling their resilience, life skills, etc. And though we may want to keep some people from experiencing different levels of hurt and pain, there are some lessons and challenges that can strengthen them, allow them to grow through it. Let them know what it is to carry their responsibility and not wait for someone else to do it for them. Something I hear people say a lot is that they want to help people avoid some of the pain that they have experienced. And this is understandable because we are expected to support others in avoiding unnecessary pitfalls to guide and to teach them, passing down wisdom and blueprints. However, trying to save everyone that you come across can reveal something about you that you may not have fully uncovered yet. You may be over-identifying with people's struggles, seeing yourselves in them, and responding as if you are fixing your own past and trying to fix your pain. When we are here in this space that I just mentioned, or any of the other common reasons that were mentioned earlier, we may not realize that we could possibly be bleeding from those areas that are still hurting. We mask the good deeds as help for others, but it's also help that we need and want for ourselves. You may be someone who has many accomplishments. You may be able to articulate your thoughts well, but you have a hard time asking for support or help because you don't know how to ask for yourself when you're the one who shows up for everyone else. Who can you possibly go to, right? That's what it might feel like. You may not even know that this is happening underneath the surface because things may be going well for you on the outside, but you can feel and sense that something is off. Do know that there is nothing wrong with you. There's nothing wrong with you. It's just that things tend to come up and show themselves even when we do our best to max them. So for the last part of this conversation that's taking place between us today, I want us to go a little bit deeper. And I want to support you in freeing up some space in you.

SPEAKER_00 17:51

So bear with me because this may be a little different. My first question is who touched you?

SPEAKER_01 18:01

Who touched you in places where no hands were supposed to go? Who spoke over your life, misaligning your identity for something man-made? Who told you that you are to carry what does not belong to you? Who hurt you in an area that you have not yet healed from? Who convinced you or persuaded you to believe that what has happened in your life does not matter or wasn't big enough to consider or take care of? These are the areas that have been crying in desperation for your attention. The areas that have been needing the proper care so that it can fully yield. But it cannot do that without getting what it needs. And I know that this process can hurt touching the wound, opening uh those scars back up, taking off that band-aid seeing what's underneath, it can hurt, but it's necessary to address before you can truly move forward. It's like maybe when we were children or when you were a child, putting alcohol on a scratch, first of all, we're scared. We know it's gonna burn. We know it's gonna burn, but the burn is temporary, and it can help clean and disinfect the scratch or the wound, and the pain won't remain. I want to tell you that there is nothing too small about what has happened to you, that it should be overlooked. And if it still hurts you, talk about that. Because as you do your best to keep moving forward without addressing the wounds, you bleed on others if you haven't already. You might spaz out on people who move the wrong way. You might spaz out on somebody that's coughing too loud, and maybe you feel like you just have one ounce of patience left, and just like that, somebody stepped into the room, phone call came in, and it was gone. And then you might end up feeling bad because you just happened to reach your limits for the day. Taking care of everyone else, taking care of every other task, and not taking care of yourself. But you lost control in that moment. And I feel for you. And I definitely feel for men too, because they they get to drive home the provider role and keep grinding so that everyone that they are providing for and taking care of is good. But for men, you don't stop grinding even when you're supposed to have quality time with your family because you feel like you haven't done enough. And the gears in your mind, they still turn, and you're still planning out your next moves, which prevents you from being fully present. And you feel that nothing isn't is ever enough, and that you're not enough. And and when I tell you, just even hearing me say that and thinking you on that, it is such a tremendous weight to carry. Extremely hard. I can just imagine. And some may say, well, that's the cost of being a man. But who's definitely And standard is that and who helps you carry the weight? You're not supposed to do everything on your own. Man, I know you have your responsibilities. I know that you have the visions that you're working towards, but don't try to do everything on your own.

SPEAKER_00 22:22

That's the teaching that some of us receive, right? And this has caused a disorder in our society, our families, and homes.

SPEAKER_01 22:37

So I want to leave you with these final thoughts. Know that you are not assigned to everyone. And what do I mean? That means that everyone that you see in need is not your responsibility. And in some ways, whether you know it or not, you are operating in a space or sense that says that you're trying to fill God's role. You're trying to fill his shoes. And that's why the weight is crushing sometimes because that isn't your weight to bear. When you try to do everything for everyone, what room does that leave for God to do his thing? There is no room. God allows us to do our thing, including allowing him the space to align us with his perfect will for our lives and how we get to support others and not be drained. That exists. He is a God who understands the complexities and the wonders of relationships. He created them. He gave his only son to save the people who didn't even always love him back. He understands the provider role, the caring role. He understands and wants to walk with you during your journey so that you don't give up and so that you don't hurt yourself trying to be something you're not and try to do something that you're not called to do. So if you are someone who has been leading from a wounded place, leading in your home as a parent, husband or wife, sibling, leader, um, a manager, minister, pastor, daycare leader, teacher, whatever your role is, I want to lay it out for you that your time has come to be tended to, to let you know that there is nothing too big or small about you that isn't worth looking into. And this type of help doesn't come from me, but from the Lord Himself. Through His Son Jesus Christ, the Messiah, you get to receive from the one who saves, from the one who heals, set free, who makes free, delivers, one who restores. And I invite you to first do an exercise with me. Just listen, you could probably just do it later if you're not in this space. But here's what I want you to do. First, identify a heavy weight that you have been carrying with something that you want to let go.

SPEAKER_00 25:33

It can be responsibilities that you've picked up, pain and disappointments, something that you have been holding on to even if it's been for years. Write it down. The next step is a two-part thing.

SPEAKER_01 25:50

For one, the area that you have written down, write down the associated beliefs, feelings, or behaviors that goes along with that. Then I want you to list the cost of holding on to the burden and the benefit of letting the burden go. Some examples of the associations may be I'll always have to work hard. I'm the only one in my family who understands. They never do their job right, so I have to do it for them.

SPEAKER_00 26:28

I'll never be good enough. I feel worthless.

SPEAKER_01 26:34

Those are some of the examples of the associations. So lastly, I want you to write down sentences that challenge any negative associations and what you would like to receive instead. This can help you shift your thoughts and your perspective. So here's a quick exercise, a quick example of this exercise. So let's say the identified burden is rumination on childhood bullying. Um, and you're thinking about this as an adult. The associations are low self-esteem and low confidence, and the belief that you'll never have any friends. Challenges to those beliefs. There are people who have tried to get close, but you may push them away. People at work have been kind to you, and the cost of holding on is not having close relationships and being afraid to be yourself. The benefit is that you give yourself permission to get to know others and vice versa. So that's the benefit of letting go of that burden. And you also get to have connections with people that actually like you. So this exercise gives you the space to be honest about what you're carrying. So these may look different for you. You also get to look at how it's impacting your life, how you function, and what you would like to see shift. If you wrote more than one area down to focus on, just complete the steps for each area and maybe even spread it out and do it at different times. Now, depending on what you wrote down, some of your action steps may be to designate a time to talk with your spouse about your concerns. It may be scheduling a five to 15 minute walk to schedule throughout your day, reading a book, journaling before bed. Based on what you wrote down, you get to decide the appropriate action steps for you. And invite your loved ones into this plan if you would like, so that you're not going about this on your own. So with this exercise, you get to begin your process of acknowledging, letting go, and receiving. You can start this process and the Lord Jesus can take you the rest of the way. Jesus Himself made an offer in Matthew chapter eleven, verse twenty eight through thirty, and it reads, Then Jesus said, Come to me, all of you who are weary and cat and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls, for my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light. Make an exchange with his burden for yours. Know that this is an active journey, and you can take it day by day. If you don't feel or see anything immediately taking place in your life, be encouraged that things can still work out for you in its timing, and be patient, believe, and be an active participant in your wholeness journey. Don't miss out because you're counting the seconds waiting for something large to happen. So for those who don't know Christ and will like to know him and accept him as the true savior and rescuer in your life, I want to invite you in this moment to listen and agree to this prayer if you feel let to. So, Lord, I thank you for those who are on the receiving end of this prayer. I thank you for their lives and that they have an interest and hunger for you today, enough so that they would like to receive you as the Lord of their lives. Give them what they need and meet them in the very spot that they are listening in today. There is nothing too hard for you, and there is no one too lost that they cannot be found by you, no one too broken that they cannot be made whole and restored by you, no one too dirty that they no longer have value, but they can be cleaned by you. So I thank you that today gets to be their welcome home day as they enter into your kingdom, believing that you are the Messiah, the only begotten Son of God, the way, the truth, and life. I celebrate them with you and with heaven as they are established in the kingdom of God. Connect them with men and women of your character and your ways of thought and being, that they may not be taken advantage of for protected love, properly taught and established in your word, and let your will be done in their lives, and let them experience you in a way that they have never experienced any type of love or grace or level of fulfillment before. Blow their minds in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen. If you said yes to the prayer, please repeat after me. Jesus, thank you for loving me despite everything. I acknowledge that I have fallen short of your ways, and I come to you to be washed by the blood you shed on the cross for me, to live a new life in you, and to walk as your disciple. I believe that Jesus died and rose on the third day for me. I accept him as Savior and the Lord of my life.

SPEAKER_00 32:29

I receive the gift and filling of your Holy Spirit. Thank you for forgiving my sins and making me new in Christ Jesus.

SPEAKER_01 32:45

Hallelujah and amen. So if you are a part of a church, please share your testimony of receiving Christ as your Savior so that you may receive the counsel and the community that you need for your journey. For those who don't have a church home yet, um, please seek one that teaches of the Bible and the uncompromised truth. Get you a Bible too so that you can study and learn. You can also seek out some faith groups or some other small groups to support you in your walk. But I do say, welcome, welcome, welcome to the kingdom of God family. This is the kind of foundation that I like to lay. So I am so glad to have the privilege of doing life with you in this manner. And please follow me on social media platforms under Tatiana LMSW on Instagram and YouTube so that we can connect because I would love to hear the ideas that you have for future episodes and to comment on your experiences from listening in to the podcast episodes. For those who would like to support monetarily, you can buy me a coffee or tea. And you can do that at buymeacoffee.com forward slash Tatiana Lmsw. There's also an opportunity to sign up or register for a women's group that is currently being developed by myself. So if you are interested, go into the YouTube page, Tatiana LMSW, or find it at www.youtube.com forward slash at foundations we lay. Go into the descriptions and look for the link that says women's group interest form. There you will be able to find the form to fill out the information and you will get all the updates on what's to come regarding that group. So if you're interested, fill it out and say posted. I am so excited to get the opportunity to learn and grow with you all. So until next time, love on yourselves. Be patient with yourself and love on others.