Why Your Relationship Patterns Keep Repeating | Foundations We Lay (Intro Episode)

If you’ve found yourself in the same patterns in your relationships, different people, same outcomes, this episode will help you understand why.

This is the foundational episode of Foundations We Lay. I share who I am, the work I’ve been doing across social work and coaching, and why this conversation around relationships needed a different approach.

Most people focus on what is happening in their relationships. This podcast focuses on what is driving it. The patterns, the responses, and the decisions that keep showing up over time.

You’ll hear how I approach relationships differently, what people often misunderstand about change, and why self-awareness is necessary if you want something different long-term.

If you’re ready to stop reacting and start understanding how you show up in your relationships, this is where you begin.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome to the Foundations We Lay. I'm Tatiana and in this space we explore the patterns, choices, and relationships that shape our lives and the families we build. Each episode examines what influences the way we show up with ourselves and with others. So let's get into how we got here all together. I'm so excited to be in this space to share some of the lessons that I have learned throughout my journey of life. To share the beauty of it all and to shine, um, even if it's just a little bit of light, in times where situations feel difficult or don't look bright at all. I am here today because I decided to bet on myself and I received a push from others. You hear my voice because in the moments when I wanted to quit, God and others have lifted me up so that I could keep going. So I didn't get here on my own. I've had people along the way to help me become the woman and the individual that I am today. I never imagined that I myself would have a podcast, especially since it seemed like so many other people were doing it. Um, if anything, that really, that really made me to steer away from it altogether because I'm someone that does not like to jump on what seems like a trend or what seems like um everybody and their mom is doing just because it's happening. If I join something, I want to do it because you know it really means something to me. And there is some depth behind it. So my time has come and here I am. So let me tell you a little bit about myself. I am a licensed master social worker and a therapist. I am a mother of a beautiful daughter, and she has come into my life at such a perfect time and a very interesting time when things were hard, but having her here made everything make sense. Having my daughter has also greatly attributed to my growth as a woman and a mother. It's encouraging that it's not just evident to me that I've made some changes, but it's also evident to her that I've grown, I've made some improvements, and of course I don't have it all together, but she sees the fruit of the work that I've put in so far. And so, with that, going back to this podcast, the content that I would like to touch on, or the topics per se, regards to personal growth, families, and ultimately relationships. You know, the relationships with ourselves and the relationships with others. By definition, and of course I looked it up from our friend Miriam Webster, relationships is the way in which two or more things or people are connected, the state of being related or interrelated. The continuation of the definition from Cambridge.org says, relationships are the way that people or things behave toward each other. So we're going to get into why all of this matters in the first place. So in this podcast, it is going to be my goal to be direct, and it's really about how people relate. Of course, starting with themselves, extending into their relationship with others, which includes with family, partners, and the dynamics that carry across both. And a lot of conversations about relationships focus a lot on the situations, meaning like what happened or what someone did or what should be done next. But I don't want to just solely look at those things or stay in that space. I like to look at patterns, right? Because situations change, but patterns tend to repeat themselves. And if the pattern is not understood, the outcome may not necessarily change, even if the people involved does. And when I think about what shaped how I understand relationships today, it started when I was paying attention to myself in different ways. How I showed up, what did I tolerate? Why did I allow myself to be talked to in a certain manner? And if I heard one of my friends or someone else be talked to in the manner that a guy talked to me, I would stand up for them or I would tell them you don't deserve that. So when I didn't do that for myself, I had to look a little bit deeper to say and see what's really going on here. So it's not just, we're not just going to look at what people say, um, but the consistencies over time. The same conflicts showing up in different forms, the same roles being played out in different relationships, the same frustrations that come up even when the situation looked new. And like I said, I had to look at myself in this way too. Not just about what I intended to do, but of what I was actually doing. What are some of the areas that I may have been overextending myself, being a people pleaser, um, where I was pulling back and where I was making decisions based on habit instead of being in alignment. And that shift from looking at moments to recognizing patterns changed how I interpret relationships. And I want to be honest here, it's not like I just one day just started internally looking at myself and externally looking at what my behaviors were. It I got to a point where I was just like, I'm I'm really hurting to the point where I was like, I feel numb. And for me, in some of those spaces, I was at a point where I didn't want to fight for myself anymore. But as mentioned a little bit earlier, my situation is a little different in some aspects. Um, I may have fought a little bit earlier at some points in my life, but then I got tired of fighting, right? And for me, it took some intervention from um the Lord God, the God that's spoken of in the Bible. Even when people were not around, when I didn't have many friends, and and nobody knew that I was in a dark place. It was in those moments where I took a leap and I talked to the Lord God, and I received what I had not received before. And some of those things was love, grace, um, compassion, right? And a few other things that, of course, I'm not gonna talk about right now because we're this is the very first episode, so we're just touching on, you know, what I'm gonna be discussing further on down the line. But this is just giving you an idea of where I was at, right? I didn't even know who I was, and not saying that I know who I am in full, I just know that I'm not the same person I was not even five years ago, not even three years ago. And so looking at myself, receiving that push helped me to begin my journey in doing the work. And I want to add some clarity here, really quick. We can do so many things that so many tips that we may receive from podcasts such as this one, or other podcasts that you may have listened to before. We may receive tips from the books that we read or listen to. We may have learned some skills in school and obtained information from so many different sources. However, we can do all of these things, and it can only get you so far if there are still wounds and healings that need to take place. This is also a place where I want to touch one in these conversations as well. A lot of times we may do a lot of things that seem productive on the surface. And it may actually be, you may actually be getting quite a few tasks done, checking off things from your checklist. You may feel good because they're accomplished, because you've met an end of an assignment or you finished it at least for a time, right? But then there's moments when you do all these things, so you may get at home and sit by yourself, or you may be sitting in the same room with your family, but there's still something on the inside that feels like I'm tired, and not just physically tired, maybe a little emotionally tired, mentally tired. You may feel like you're not enough. You may feel like what you do is never enough. It can be so many things that pop into your mind. And then as the next day comes, you may try to do more, you may shift something to do it a little differently to maybe get a better outcome than you did the day before. But there's something on the inside that may have you still feeling a little unsettled or unsure. That is that something that should be looked into, to be tended to. Because why have wounds that we don't address? Eventually, the wound, if not taken care of, if not cleansed, you know, if not putting the proper um adhesive and other tools on it or resources, it can become infected and infect other parts of the body. You may start to ache, right? There can be all types of um symptoms that come about from that, from it not being healed, and that's what we do, some of us, on our day-to-day basis. We pick up a lot of things to do, but we're not addressing the true wound, we're not addressing the thing that drives us to work so hard. We're not addressing the thing that may have been in the back of our mind for years, and we try to party it away, we try to work it away, we try to smoke it or drink it away, and it hasn't worked, and you feel like you're in a cycle or in a loop, or whatever it feels like. That's the space we get to sit in today, or whatever day you choose. So hopefully that wasn't too heavy. But I wanted to touch on that because it's important. Just simply doing the external work and doing so many things doesn't mean that you're getting to the root of the issues showing up in your life and in your relationships. Some of those things that you may be doing are maybe just like band-aids. But this is a space where you get to truly look at what's happening in your life. What are some of the thoughts you've been thinking over and over again? Maybe you feel like you don't want to be here anymore. Maybe you feel like there's no point of you continuing to go to work because nobody appreciates you. Right? Whatever the situation may be, there's a route to so many of these things. And we'll get to those things in due time, hopefully. And speaking of that, I would love to hear from you guys some of the topics you would like me to touch on at some point in one of these episodes. I would love to know what is important to you regarding to these things, our relationships with ourselves and others. What is it that you feel is important to the things that you're going through or the situations you like to get out of or to achieve? I would like to hear from you. So these are some of the things I looked at when it comes to shaping how I understand relationships today. And this wasn't like a week-long journey, it wasn't a month, not even 90 days. This has been years of unlearning, years of discovery, years of being honest with myself, letting go of some lies that I've believed, letting go of the thought that I am a victim of my circumstance, letting go of the thought that, you know, I don't have everything that I need. Because when I was in a space where I was like, I don't have everything that I need, therefore I might not be able to do this. I skimmed out or skipped out on a thought or the realization that I may not have everything that I want or need, but I do have tools available to me right now. And even those things could be used to get me started. I didn't always realize the access that I had to some opportunities and not just that others may have brought to me, but opportunities that I could have created for myself. At some point, I really felt like a loser because of the beliefs I had in my mind, and I also didn't want to fail people, right? Because of the expectations that they um stated over me. I didn't want to fail. And so sometimes I didn't even try. I just shot for a mediocre and I did okay there, I did well, and I left it there for a long time. So we can find out a lot about ourselves when we are honest with ourselves, when we truly look at what's going on on the inside and take inventory of how we have been showing up and look at the quality and the state of how we've shown up as well. One of the things I do want to talk about when it comes to my approach addressing some of these topics, it may sound a little different sometimes. At times I may sound a little bit more compassionate. Um, at times it may sound a little bit stern, but I do want you to know, whatever the tone is, I want to do my best to deliver the message, the lesson, the topic in love because I actually care. I don't want to, I know that some people who may have had encounters with me, who may have uh maybe made assumptions about me, especially because of my my voice or my tone of voice, they may believe that my approach will always be soft. And sometimes it will be. But I know that all messages that need to be given out does not require a soft approach. And even if it's stern, it doesn't mean that I don't love you. For those of you that had adults or authority figures in your in your life that may have showed you that they love and care about you, but they also have some firmness about them. Just because they took that approach at some point doesn't mean that they don't care. So please, as you listen to these episodes, I hope that you really hear me. Um, and I'm open to feedback, all that stuff. But hear me with open ears and with an open heart to receive the message, whatever it is that is for you. All of these episodes may not be for you, but for the one that is, hone in and take notes of the keys that are being dropped in the episodes. So I hope you catch what I'm saying. I also am not someone that wants to tell you what to do. I may give suggestions. There may be others here on the podcast as well that you can hear from their experience as well. But my job is not to tell you what to do. My job is to lay out some of the options before you, to help you see your situation a little bit more clear, to help you get insight on your perspective of your of your life or the world that's in front of you. My focus is to help people see what's actually happening without minimizing it and without distorting it. And that includes your role in it also. And that means, of course, not minimizing you. So it's important for me to also, you know, put up a mirror so that you can look at yourselves as well, to give you an opportunity to not stay in the cycles where you may be just reacting so that you can make adjustments and try again. Because if you don't understand why the same outcomes keep showing up, how can you know which direction to go and what changes to make? I want to talk uh about one of the misunderstandings that some may make. Some people believe that insight alone is enough, but it isn't. Because people can recognize a pattern and still continue those patterns. I know I've heard a lot when I was growing up that if you know better, you do better. But I've seen and have also done myself, people can know a whole lot and still do the very same thing they always that they have always done and make no changes, but they know better. The difference is in how the awareness is used. The difference is how knowledge is applied. And if the awareness does not lead to a different response, then of course the patterns the patterns may stay active. And the work here is not just about recognizing what's happening, right? It's understanding it well enough to respond differently when it matters. And so, if you haven't figured out if this is a space for you, maybe this will clarify a little bit more for you. Who is this podcast for? This podcast is for the person who is beginning to notice some of the patterns within themselves and the relationship with others. It can even be how you show up at work and not just in your relationships at home with your family. If you're someone that's beginning to see some type of repetitions, if you're someone that's questioning some of the similar uh situations that you've experienced time and time again, and you're like, wait a minute, why do I keep doing this? Why do I keep dating the same women or men? That's not even good for me. Why do I keep ending up in a situation where I'm giving everybody my money? And I know my bills haven't been paid yet. Why am I putting myself last and trying so hard to prove to everyone that I care about them by putting them first? This is a space for people who are wanting to make a shift and get aligned, who are willing to look at themselves honestly and not just lean on how you feel, not just leaning on your emotions, but leaning in to truth, allowing your eyes to be open, to make the adjustments needed and the change where it matters. This is not a space for someone that is just looking for reassurance of the behaviors that they are doing, um, to receive a pat on the back and to get um any type of kudos to say that you're doing it right. This is not for someone who wants strategies without understanding. This is not a space for someone that just wants to collect information and not apply it. This is not for the person that is not ready to examine their own patterns. And if that is you, then that's okay. That just means that this is not may not be the podcast for you. And that's totally cool. You know, there's a lot of options available where your ears may be more attuned to the message that you're looking for. But this is for those who are willing to get. The information they need and apply it. All right. I'm glad we're on the same page. Okay. So let me talk about self-awareness really quick. Self-awareness plays a central role in relational change, but it has to be defined clearly. And it's not just recognizing that something feels off or being able to describe your emotions. It's about understanding what is driving your responses in real time and why you engage the way that you do you do. Why do you withdraw when you do? Why do you isolate? Um, or why certain behaviors from others affect you in certain ways? Because as stated before, if these things are not looked into, if if we don't really understand what's going on, some of the responses may remain automatic. A lack of self-awareness can look like reacting quickly, uh justifying your reactions and then dealing with the outcome afterward, or sometimes not even dealing with them at all. It can look like repeating the same type of conversations without having any real type of resolution, or staying in situations longer than you need to, or even leaving a situation without understanding simply because you just feel angry. And whatever the case may be, the patterns continue because they haven't been interrupted. And so you get to create space that allows for you to make a choice and an intentional one. And over time the choices begin began to change the pattern, and when the patterns change, the outcomes change with it. And so I want to say that this is not just change for 30-day challenge, 90-day challenge. This is a lifetime worth of work. I probably shouldn't say that because that sounds real bad. I will say the journey continues for as long as you'll live. So once you've, let's say, so-called mastered one level, you get to go to the next level, and then the next level, and then the next level. Because you've done that foundational work for whatever level that's in, just like when we're in school, we have preschool, kindergarten, first grade, second, third, fourth, fifth, and so on. This is our school and life. We learn things because we want to become better or improve in certain areas. And the great thing about improving in the areas that's that's going to be talked about here is that this is knowledge that can be applied across your generation and generations that come after you. And the generation that comes after you can also teach it to the generation that comes after them. And of course, there's going to be some adjustments that is going to be pivoted to the times that they are in that makes sense for the world that they live in. But the principles and some of the foundations of it all may remain the same. So think of it as something as a legacy, a blueprint that you get to create. Somewhat re-rewriting your DNA within your family. Because you may have heard someone say, or you may have thought about this yourself, my family has always done things a certain type of way. My family always eats a certain type of food. That doesn't mean it has to always remain the same. Because if you see that one of the results or outcomes of your family eating high-processed foods, sugary foods, fatty foods, um over a certain amount of time and years, and you see increased obesity, being overweight, diabetes, high blood pressure, heart attacks, um, premature deaths, all of these things that may have come from diet, it may get you to look at that certain situation and the way that the family has been eating and say, we don't have to continue living like this. I want to change our quality of life. I want to live longer. I want to be able to grow older and run with my grandchildren. I want to be able to still walk to my bat my restroom, my bathroom by myself without assistance at 70 years old. I want to be able to do a squat and pick something down or tie my shoes and stand back up unassisted. Some of the things that we may not realize or think about often. But those are the things that get impacted from the decisions that we make early on. And this is how we create generational impact. And this is why we get to have some of these conversations today, because it impacts not just ourselves, but others, which is why I want to continue to focus and talk about different types of relationships as stated multiple times, not just with ourselves, but with others. Because what's going on on the inside with us can eventually permeate on the outside and impact others in a productive, positive way, beneficial way, or the opposite. What's your choice? What do you pick today? So, all in all, I'm so excited to have these conversations with you all and talk about the things that you find important. Because as this podcast continues, we'll continue to build on this foundation and we'll look at different dynamics like family roles, estrangement, communication patterns, decision making. And like I said, the focus will remain the same: understanding what's happening beneath the surface, so that what's happening on the surface can eventually be shifted. And the goal is to not just listen, but to recognize what's happening in real time and begin responding with intention rather than just responding out of habit. So I hope you enjoyed this first listen. I definitely look forward to growing with you all and going on this journey with you. You guys get to be my peeps over time, so that's super cool. And keep your ears posted and your eyes posted for the next release of the episode. And so thank you all again. And until next time, love on yourselves, be patient with yourselves, and love on others. Take care.