To Parents of Adult Children: "After All I've Done!"

This episode explores estrangement and distance from the parent’s perspective. It focuses on understanding the shift in the relationship, reflecting on past dynamics, and recognizing what supports or blocks reconnection.

Transcript

Speaker 0:00

Welcome to the Foundations We Lay. I'm Tahtianna, and in this space we explore the patterns, choices, and relationships that shape our lives and the families we build. Each episode examines what influences the way we show up with ourselves and with others. So let's get started. Today I want to talk to the parents and caretakers who may feel a little bit angry, confused, and hurt that their adult child has cut them off. You may have said things like, I sacrificed everything for them. I've worked, I provided, and I stayed. You may even be a single parent who feel like this is really disrespectful to you, the fact that your child may have cut you off because unlike the other parent, for whatever reason is not there, you feel that it is a slap in the face to you, the parent who has been there for your child to put distance between you and them. You may have also said, I wasn't perfect, but I don't deserve this. And now they don't even speak to me. So I bring this conversation up today because it's not about blaming, it's not about blaming you, and it's not a conversation about validating everything that your child, your adult child may have done either. But this is about why love, effort, and sacrifice does not automatically create emotional safety or ongoing connection, and why cutting off communication often isn't about ingratitude, even when it feels that way. Some people may think that estrangement is something that just happens, like one day the relationship is there and the next day it's not. That something must have gone wrong in a moment, but that's usually not how it works. What people call estrangement is often something that has been building up over time. So it's not just one situation, it's a pattern that didn't get addressed and was repeated enough times that the relationship started to feel different. So what stands out is how it is experienced on each side. For a parent, it may feel sudden, like the communication has changed without warning, like there was no real indication that things were far off. And from the perspective of the adult child, it may feel like something they have been sitting with for a while now. It may even feel like something they've been sitting with for years, and you may not have really caught on to it until just now. It's been something they've been thinking about and may have tried to make sense of and maybe even tried to address it in smaller ways before it got to the point or the distance where it is now. So now you have two people in the same relationship, but operating on completely different timelines. One may be asking, when did this happen? And the other may be thinking, this has been happening. This gap matters because when the focus goes straight to the distance instead of what led up to it, the actual issue gets missed and nothing really changes. A lot of relationships don't end because of one major issue. They wear down over time. It can look like conversations that never really land. Maybe one person is trying to express something and the other doesn't hear it the way that it's meant to, or they may respond in a way that shuts that thing down. And it's not always intentional, but it's consistent enough that it starts to matter or put a dent in the trust and safety in the relationship. It can look like roles that were established early on in the relationship and never adjusted. It can also look like a child who had to take on responsibilities early in their life and much earlier than they should have. It can also look like a parent who stayed in a position of control even as the child grew into adulthood. These are patterns that made sense at one point, but were not revisited or adjusted. Something to also consider is not stewarding or managing emotions well, not making space for them to be identified and addressed, and not just with yourself but with your child. The emotions in the home may have been minimized, redirected, or corrected rather than attempted to be understood. Over time, that changes how safe it feels to be open in the home. And when it doesn't feel safe to be open, people start to adjust or change how they show up. They may say less, they may share less and even engage differently. And so this is where some of you may be able to visually see where this shift begins. And even if it is not verbalized, it's something that you may also be able to feel. Some may identify it as feeling tension. Providing food, shelter, education, and protection are real sacrifices and they are needed. But they don't automatically communicate safety, understanding, or emotional attunement. Some parents grew up with the belief that if they keep their child alive and they make sure they have all the basic necessities and give them opportunities, they will be or they should be grateful forever or automatically have loyalty to the parent. However, gratitude does not replace unmet emotional needs. You all may have seen or even heard about Maslow's hierarchy of needs. This hierarchy of needs shows a five-tier model of human needs within a pyramid. The tiers are physiological needs, safety, connection and love, esteem, and self-actualization. Physiological needs are at the base of the pyramid. And the needs lower down in the hierarchy must be satisfied before individuals can attend to the needs that are higher up based on this particular hierarchy. So, in other words, just because the basic needs like housing, food, water, clothing, those things are taken care of, it doesn't necessarily mean that they also feel loved by you, that they also feel safe and secure, that they also feel like they are secure in who they are and that their esteem needs are getting met. For some, there's an underlying belief that family relationships are supposed to just work. And that because someone is your parent or your child, that the connection should just automatically work out no matter what. It should remain intact. But let's keep this thought at the forefront. Relationships take intentional work. And that belief can keep people from really looking at what's happening in the relationship. So if something feels off, the assumption may be that it will work itself out, or that this is just the way it is. This is how our family has been and will always be. What is not addressed doesn't stay neutral. It shows up in how people communicate, avoid communicating, how much of themselves they bring into the relationship or how much they hold back things to keep from being uncomfortable or even not feeling comfortable or safe sharing certain information with you. And over time, those adjustments become normal, even if those adjustments are not healthy. So for some adult children, distance doesn't start as the final decision. It begins as a response because maybe they've tried to bring something up and it didn't go anywhere. Maybe they felt like what they were saying wasn't being received, or every interaction started to feel the same and nothing was shifting. So some of the adult children may have pulled back. And it may not have been obvious at first. It may have been subtle. Like stated before, there may have been less communication and less effort to stay engaged, or less willingness to even go deeper in the relationship. And depending on that relationship, the shift may not have been noticed right away, especially if there was already some level of distance there, and that too had not been properly addressed or recognized. Eventually it becomes more visible, and that's often when it starts to get attention. But by then it's not new. It's just reached a point where it can't be ignored. On the other side, a parent may feel like they're being shut out with it without any understanding of why, like something changed without even having a real conversation. You may be an adult that feels like it's very immature of the adult child to cut you off without having an adult conversation. You may feel like you've taught them better than that. And having the thoughts along these lines can bring up frustration, hurt, and even defensiveness. And it can feel like the relationship is being pulled away without any type of explanation. Even in that, it's important to look at the pattern and not just the moment where things begin to become obvious. Remember, if the only focus is on when a distance showed up, everything that led up to that point gets overlooked. Sometimes there's a tendency to try and figure out who's right and who's wrong. Who caused us to get to this point? Somebody needs to fix it. But looking at things from this perspective can keep people in a stance of defense rather than trying to understand the relationship itself. You may find yourself or the other person in a stance of wanting to fight back. This can keep walls up and guards up. And at this point it may feel like every man for themselves. And there are those who, if they get a sense of attack from you, vice versa, the other person may feel like, I don't have to deal with this, I'll just walk away instead. I don't want to waste my energy here. There are patterns on both sides that get to be identified. But if there's any chance of understanding what happened, both people have to be willing to look at their part without immediately defending it. And that may not be easy. So for a parent, it can be difficult to consider that the way you showed up as a parent had an impact that was not originally intended. For the adult child, it can be difficult to separate what happened from how they're responding now. Without reflection, the focus stays on the other person. And when that happens, there's barely any change. Another piece that can get missed is repair. By addressing what happened in a way that the other person can receive it. So some may think that they have addressed something just because it was mentioned. But repair is not just about expression and saying words from your mouth. It's about understanding. It's about being able to recognize what the other person has experienced. It's about empathy, even if you don't fully understand. Give yourself permission to sit in the space with them and let your child, your adult child know that you actually hear what they are saying, and not just you listening to them to get your counter argument together. At some point, someone really gets to be the bigger person in the situation. The question is, will that be you? To be someone in the space that is listening, not just to gather intel and information to defend your side of the argument, it takes emotional intelligence and other skills that gets to be implement implemented with intention because you care about that person, because you want to understand where they're coming from. And if you're someone that really cares about the quality and the state of that relationship, you may have to be the first person to take that step and practice humility. And that's if you both want to make the attempts and repair and restore the relationship. Okay, so let's move forward. Acknowledging fault is not the same as repairing harm, because repair can require naming specific behaviors, taking responsibility without justification, listening without defending, as was already mentioned, and allowing the child's experience to exist even if it hurts you. And so instead of repair, some adult children may experience this instead. From the parent, they may receive apologies followed by justified reasoning of their behaviors or their words. They may have received accountability followed by guilt, or saying, I'm sorry, but you have to understand. The question is, do you understand? Right? As parents and as adults, we may not have learned a lot of skills pertaining to emotions. But at some point, we do get to educate ourselves about the things that we didn't receive and some of the tools and skills that's needed to improve our relationships. And we get to take on that responsibility if you choose to. It's in our hands, especially with the amount of resources that is available to us today. When you cannot empathize or gain an understanding of the adult child's perspective, over time the relationship starts carrying multiple unresolved moments. And eventually that weight changes how the relationship feels. It becomes harder to engage, harder to believe that anything will ever be different. And so one of the things that I want to talk about really quick is anger, rage. Because anger can make you feel very powerful. But as some of you may know, anger is not the core emotion. Typically, there are some other emotions underneath that, like grief, shame, fear. Regarding grief, you could be grieving over the relationship that you thought you had. Just as mentioned earlier, you maybe feel like you're getting a rug pulled from underneath you because you thought you had a good relationship going with your child, but somewhere along the line, you missed all the signs and you didn't see it. You may have shame that you failed in ways that you never wanted to fail as a parent. You may have set the expectation to do better than your parent, or to live up to the expectations or the standard that your parents set when they were rearing you up. Maybe there is some fear that you're being judged, that you're being replaced or even erased from their lives. It's important that we take time to really process what's going on in our minds and in our bodies. What are we feeling? Why are we feeling those things? When our emotions are not processed, they can take the driver's seat. And our emotions don't need to take the driver's seat. They exist, but they are not the person or the thing to steer the direction of your life and your relationships. When you're angry in this situation, you may feel or say things to yourself or out loud like they're ungrateful, they really owe me, or they are heartless. This can push people further away. So if your child already felt emotionally overwhelmed, this confirms their belief that contact with you is not safe. When you find yourself in a space where you feel angry about what your child shares with you, ask yourself why. And ask, what am I trying to protect right now? So here's another thing that I definitely won't ignore. As mentioned before, the things that we don't address can show up in other ways. Also meaning for you as a parent. The emotions that you didn't really process, those memories, moments that you may have experienced as an adolescent, child, young adult, some of those things in you that you necessarily didn't deal with may also be influencing your parenting. And pretending like some things never took place will not serve you or your family well if you decide to ignore the open wound that has been brought to your attention. So, with the points that's been mentioned so far, the adult child, after all these things, may feel like distance is the only option because the current version of the relationship that's happening isn't working. Distance can be interpreted as rejection, when in some cases it's a response to the pattern that hasn't changed. So with the focus, as mentioned before, if the focus stays only on the distance, the pattern remains untouched. And if the pattern remains untouched, even if communication starts again, the same issues are likely to show up. And that's why estrangement can feel so final, because it's not that people don't care, um, and it's not that people don't see how it can be different. It just seems like and seems evident that there's not going to be any forward movement. And by distancing, it seems like a quick, and easier fix than all the attempts that has been brought forth before. It starts with understanding what has been building, looking at the conversations that maybe didn't happen, the patterns that has been repeated, what roles have stayed the same, even when they no longer fit. Because the question is not rather what happened, but rather what has been happening. So if you're in a place where there is distance or you can feel it building up, it's worth paying attention instead of just reacting to the distance that's taken place. That space didn't create itself. There's something underneath it. That's where the clarity may lie. And if anything is going to shift, it may just have to start there. For some of you, this may be scary. For some of you, this may seem like a large leap. Sometimes, as mentioned before, it may have to start with you as the adult. And surprisingly, to others, to some of you other adults and the parents, it may start with your child. It may not look like it yet, but the move that they're making is to also set a different precedent and to establish different patterns that may have been taking place in a family that may not necessarily be supporting the values that you guys may have once stood on. Maybe it's time for a change. And change is okay. So if you guys want to walk together and try to work in your relationship, that's okay. If you guys want to take a break, it's okay to separate. And sometimes that distance may be indefinitely permanent. It really depends on the situation and the people that's involved. The choice is yours. But this is just a tidbit of information to give a little bit of insight on why this may have taken place and what can possibly be done to at least shine a light of compassion on yourself and empathy for the other person as well. So until next time, be sure to love on yourselves, be patient with yourself, and love on others.