Don't Guilt Yourself Into Stopping Your Progress

There comes a point where moving forward isn’t the hard part, staying forward is. In this episode, we sit in the tension that shows up when what you’ve left behind starts calling your name again. The familiar, the history, the pull to return… even when you know better. 

This is a conversation for the woman who has already started changing and is now being tested in it. This is a clear reminder of what it looks like to hold your position and keep going.

Transcript

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Welcome to the Foundations We Lay. I'm Tatiana, and this is a space where we explore the patterns, choices, and relationships that shape our lives and the families we build. Each episode examines what influences the way we show up with ourselves and with others. So let's get started. All right, and so today, I want to talk about, in plain words, when you walk away from a thing, don't look back, don't turn back, don't go back there. Okay? And I'm not talking about those times where you have a feeling like, okay, I'm only leaving this situation for a season. I'm only leaving or separating from this person or this environment for a season. So I can get myself together and get some other things in order and I'll be back. I'm not talking about those things. I'm referring to the things in people that are not good for your growth. The things in people in some ways that are meant to harm you. Those are the things that I want to touch on today. Um, and not so much the things in particular, but just to give you a reminder, don't go back. And so, of course, I have uh my experiences with this as well. Um, and so that's why I wanted to encourage you all today as well to remind you and let you know that the steps that you have taken in your journey of well-being, uh healing, growth has not been in vain. And just because you may see old partners coming up, old scenarios coming up, feelings that you thought you were done with coming up, doesn't mean that you haven't done the work. It doesn't mean that what you have stored it has been for nothing. Sometimes these things come up just to prove to yourself that you're not in the same place anymore. And so let me go to let's say, let's say maybe an ex-boyfriend, right? When two people come together, sometimes people meet when they are teenagers, some people meet in their early 20s, whatever the age may be. Even if four years go by and you have been doing the work to intentionally make changes for the better, to align your walk with a future that makes more sense for who you truly are and where you want your life to go. When you come into alignment with those things, um, people may say that you've changed. And guess what? You have. Your values may remain the same. Some of your beliefs, your core beliefs, they can change, but some other things that you believe in, maybe like your faith, traditions that you have with your family or friends, some things may remain the same. But even in a four-year span, you can be a totally different person from the end of that four years from at the beginning when you and your ex-partner first connected. And during that time, your eyes may begin to open and see this person isn't going in the direction that I want to go. They're not even going in the direction of where I'm going now. You may even look at yourself and say, I am someone who used to tolerate disrespect. I am someone who would settle because I wanted to make other people feel comfortable. I am someone who was afraid to share my voice because I thought it would shake up everybody's world and make things unsettled. But you're not that person, and that's okay. So not only do you notice different dynamics with an ex-partner, but you notice the changes within yourself. Sometimes when you get the awakening of who you are, the awakening of truth, right? Things that you used to tolerate, things that you used to settle for, it doesn't quite make sense anymore. Because for a time that may have worked, and for a time you may have felt like that was the best thing or the right thing to do. And that's not where your mind is at anymore. With these changes in growth, sometimes people may try to make you feel bad for the direction that you're going. And this is why I wanted to share this with you today. There are some who may try and manipulate you and convince you that where you used to be is where you need to stay. There are some that may try to paint this narrative or create this type of depiction and say, you think you're better than me. You think you're better than us, but you're really not. Do you remember when you used to do this? Do you remember when you used to eat this type of food? Do you remember when you used to binge eat every time you felt sad? Do you remember when you used to sleep with this person every weekend and whatever history they tried to throw in your face? Now we're not gonna pretend like some of those things didn't happen. Let's take responsibility and ownership for the things that we have done in the past. But what we're not gonna do in this walk, especially if we have already been there and we may be dealing with it, we're not gonna take on shame. We are not gonna take on condemnation. And another thing that we're not gonna do is attack the person who may be trying to attack you or point fingers at you or trying to reel you back in. We don't have to meet them there in that way. Because also another part of the walk and growing and healing involves a change in our responses. Yeah, you may feel irritated, you may feel angry, but giving the reactions and the verbiage and the type of dynamics where they are, maybe from a place of spite, hatefulness, bitterness, jealousy, we don't want to plant those seeds. We don't want to do that, even if it's been spewed our way. Because whether it feels like it or not, you have been made new and you are being perfected along the way. That means you're not perfect. You are being perfected. There's always some type of room for growth, some type of room for adjustments and improvements. You go from level to level to level to level. So just because one layer of healing may have taken place doesn't mean there's not more. Right? And even once you maybe get to a place where you feel like you're whole, there's still other layers to get to. Because even after that, you can get to a place where you can give to others. And even while you're helping others, there's still some things about you that can still be worked out. So it's an ongoing process. So don't let anybody guilt you into thinking that you have to have it all together, or that you're not who you say you are. And if you do make a mistake or whatever that may look like, try and say, see, I knew you was a fraud. See, I knew you was faking. You had all these other people fooled, but I saw through you from the beginning. Some of y'all know exactly what I'm talking about. And the words can be so powerful if we allow it to be. To where it can break you down and try to dismantle the work that you have done and get you back to a place of where you're like, maybe I'm maybe you're right. I'm not sure about myself. I don't even think I can do this. I don't think I am who I think I am. And everything that you started to believe about who you are becoming and who you truly are starts to dissipate because you believed the lies that someone told you. Do you know that it's so easy for someone to go and pick somebody else down because they themselves are not healed? They themselves are struggling on the inside. And because some people feel so uncomfortable with themselves and they don't want to feel these things on their own, they want to pull somebody else into their mess. They want to pull somebody else into those spaces that seem so dark instead of asking for help. Of course, we know that's not everybody, but y'all know what I'm talking about. So when it comes to ex-partners, no matter what their words say, even if it's supportive or positive, don't go back. You've settled long enough. This is your time to get up and fight for the woman that you actually need to be, not just the woman that you want to be, the woman that you need to be. And this part sounds so cliche that I'm about to say next. Somebody is honestly waiting on you to show up. Somebody is waiting to hear about the obstacles that you have overcome. Somebody is waiting to hear that what they are going through is not an anomaly. It's not so different that nobody else in the world has ever gone through it. Sometimes they just need to hear from somebody else that's done it, that has done the work, gone through it, overcame, learned the lessons, grew, and continues to grow to help them on their journey. We don't need to be ashamed of the testimonies that we have. We don't have to be ashamed of our past. Because, like I said, let's admit, things happened. Some of us did some crazy stuff. I did. I did. And some of the things I never wanted to do or said I would never do that, those things I did, not all of them, but some of them. And I am somebody that felt shame. I am someone that settled. I am someone that felt condemnation. And I believe that I didn't have any worth. I believe that I was sturdy. I believe that I was done for, tossed to the side, and useless. And I believed that there was no use for me but to be used by others. That's how low I felt. That's how low I was. Ooh, goodness. But yeah. And so I am here to keep it honest with you about these type of things. Some of us also have, like I said, ex-partners that are supportive. We're supporting us as we transition into different paths. But let's listen. You don't owe anyone anything but to love them. Move on and don't give yourself any excuses of why you should stay stuck. You can get up and go now. You have what you need to go. It may not be everything to get you where you want to be right now, but for those who have an ear to hear, and for who this is for, when you listen to this, your time to get up is now. I know I talked about an ex-partner, but like I mentioned earlier, this can apply to different environments as well. It can apply to work. It can apply to places where there is oppression involved. At some point in time, of course, we are to be agents of change. We are to be persons that shift atmospheres in the places that we go to. And also at some point in time, we got to call things out as they are, which is sometimes different forms of abuse. People abusing their power, people manipulating, controlling because of their positions of power and authority. And that's not okay. We have to talk about this. Because the things that we don't talk about, the things that we do not address, the things that we want to continue to keep skirting over and to continue to cover, those are the things that will remain as wounds, as broken places, and everything else that will become a hindering place for your growth and for your overall transformation. And I said it won't be just a disservice to you, but it will be a disservice to those that are connected to you, that are supposed to see the fruit of your life as you grow. Those that are supposed to see your light shining so bright. Please do not disqualify yourself because you have fallen so many times. Don't disqualify yourself because you feel bad about what you have done. You can have a new start. One of the things for me, I'll say, I at some point did not have joy anymore. I was so upset by so many things. I was very angry. I was beyond frustrated. And at times, I didn't necessarily know if I wanted to be here anymore, but there was a change for me. And in the journey of growth, change, and healing, I was able to receive the joy that was already gifted to me. And for myself, that was the joy that the Lord has given to me. It didn't come from anything that the world has set up. It didn't come from anything that I was able to draw up with my own hands. It was something real, yet not always able to be seen by the natural eyes, right? Because an internal work was being done. There was a renewing happening with my mind. So think about your circumstance, your situation, your life. And if you're not there yet to move forward, take some time to jot down what's not helping you grow anymore. Where are some places that you've settled where you're tolerating things? Write those down. And also write some things down that you feel like belonged to you, that you may have forfeited, some things that you want to take back. Like I said, mine was joy, along with some other things. Some of you may feel like I'm taking my smile back. That smile belongs to me. I'm taking this piece back. That piece is mine. So no matter what the situations look like, no matter how difficult life may seem, no matter what it looks like when finances are starting to get a little up and down, getting a little tighter than what they were last month, I will have peace that surpasses all understanding. I take back healthy relationships, I take back a sound mind. And for the things that you may have never experienced, or so that you can't even recall, you may say, I receive joy, I receive freedom, I receive help, I receive support, and I let go of the expectations that people have set for my life that was never meant for me. I let go of the pain that happened when I was six years old, when my mom or dad left me and they didn't come back, or when somebody left and they didn't come back the same. I forgive that person for hurting me. The pain that felt feels like you will never be able to let go of. That's the very thing that needs to be addressed. You don't have to hide anymore. You don't have to hold on to these burdens anymore. My yoke is easy, and my burden is like making exchange with a lighter burden. Looks like it's in Matthew chapter 11, verse 30. My yoke is easy, and my burden is light. But yes, it's it's a time for readjustment and alignment. Some of us have been moving forward as broken vessels, fractured hearts, fractured legs for far too long. And it's time to get the work actually done and to not just pick and choose what we think is worth the attention, what we think is worth or is necessary. It's all necessary. Healing is a part of your inheritance. So no matter how deep the wound may go, it is not too deep to be healed, cleansed, restored, made new. And if there's a scar, it can just be seen as a remembrance of how you have been kept, made new, brought over on the other side to experience a much greater life than what you may have ever experienced before. So, all in all, I said all this to say when someone tries to convince you to go back from where you came and convince you you're not who you say you are, you're not perfect, and you're not better than us. You can say, I know, you don't even have to respond. Of course, you're not perfect. Of course, you're not better than them. But you're better than the person that you were yesterday. You're better than the person that you were months ago, years ago. And that's the place that you're not returning to, no matter how uncomfortable someone feels about that. It's time to take things back into your hands and to not apologize for the growth that's happening on your journey and in your life. This is your time. Receive the gift of healing and transformation and give yourself permission to go there. Because sometimes, no matter how much we may identify or even try to place blame on someone else to say that they are holding us up, a lot of times it's also us holding ourselves up and holding ourselves back because of the things that we choose to believe, and also because we may be scared of the unknown, of the stuff that may come up, of what it may feel like to even think about some of those hurtful memories again. I know it's a lot, but what's on the side of you not addressing that thing? If it's not showing up now, how might it show up later on and who might it impact if it shows itself even without your permission? Those are these are the things that we get to think about. So take on this journey, release and receive. I am looking forward to continuing the journey with you all. Encourage yourself every day. Don't beat yourself up about this. It's okay. I'm telling you, it is okay. It will be so worth it. Um, I will say the end, but when is that? Even the journey is worth it, no matter how small or large, even if nobody can physically see it yet. But there will be fruit, so it will be evident of the work that's taking place, even if you don't verbally say it from your mouth. But even your conversation will change. Do you see how many ways that the fruit can show up? Your behavior, your thinking, your conversation, the way you posture yourself, the way you dress, how you show up for others, how you show up for yourself. These are serious things. And like I said, time's up for for playing ourselves and for downplaying ourselves. It's time to stand up, do the work, and go forth. And as I typically say for the most part, thank you for your ears. Thank you for your investment of time during these talks. And until next time, love on yourselves and love on others.